I am not here, I'm not listening, I'm in my head and I'm spinning ....

Chapter 19   it's not a crime to have some fun.

'No, I'm not coming home yet... I don't even know I am coming back to Finland.' Dee said to Jyrki after being a hour on the phone with him. 'Why not?? I mean don't you want to come back then?? What are you saying..' Jyrki started but Dee stopped him telling him she needed a while to get her thoughts straight and that she needed some distractions. 'What do you mean?? Are you going with Tuomas?' Jyrki started again and Dee sighed while rolling her eyes getting frustrated, everyone else in the room noticed and Donny already got up moving towards her. 'No you damn idiot!! I am not I am travelling with Donny to New York a few days for some gigs he asked me to go with him!! So stop thinking I am together with Tuomas since I am freaking not okay!!' Dee yelled at the phone. Then the yelling and the cursing started on both ends of the phone partially in Finnish and English to one another. Dee then started crying but furiously so Donny stepped in and grabbed the phone. 'Jyrki!! Chill out man.. no she is not coming back on the phone.. yeah you heard me she will call you again when she is ready.. dude don't start towards me now. Goodbye!' Donny said while hanging up the phone handing it back to Tuomas. 'are you okay?' Tuomas asked Dee who was out of it still crying lighting up a cigarette. 'No!! the idiot kept accusing me of the fact that I probably don't want to see him because he thinks we are together which is not the case but he won't listen!!' Dee said now getting up to get herself something to drink. 'fucking idiot!' she mumbled to herself while getting the wine she bought earlier on the day. 'Soo... are you going back to Finland or not?' Emppu asked her caution in his tone. Dee walked back into the room already having her glass half empty while carrying the bottle with her. 'Hmm don't know we'll see after New York.. I keep my mind blank until then... who wants a glass?' Dee said holding up the bottle while sitting down. The night ended very late around 4 in the morning Nightwish left and went over to their hotel to rest before travelling further on their tour. Dee was saying goodnight to Tuomas and almost lost her control once again. 'So are you sure your okay?' he asked her standing at her door while she was leaning against the wall next to it half wobbly on her feet of the wine she drank. 'yup I'm okay... you know.. I am totally single at the moment now and it freaks me out a little.' She answered him and he had to swallow since this is actually one of the things he hoped for but it didn't feel good to him now. 'remember what we said to one another the first time we met?' Dee asked him obviously being drunk and having no idea what she was doing, she took a step closer to him almost close enough to touch her head against his chin. 'Yes, I remember.' Tuomas stumbled out the words since he was getting more nervous by the second of her moving closer and closer to him even if he took steps back from her. Dee noticed and stood up on her toes kissing him hard, since this is what he wanted even if he didn't he kissed her back pushing her against him wrapping his hands around the back of her neck and back. They moved from the door back inside Dee kicking the door closed and moved towards her bedroom still having her lips locked on his. They managed to open her bedroom door and closed it again moving towards the bed and dropped themselves down on it still kissing each other hard and passionately.  The clothes were coming of and Tuomas suddenly stopped when her shirt was tossed to the other side of the room and let go of her. 'What!?' Dee asked and demanded at the same time looking at him leaning on top of her. 'I can't do this.. as much as I really want it. I really can't I feel like I am taking advantage of you now.' Tuomas said to her and Dee chuckled. 'Your not my sweet.. I want this.. I really do.' Dee answered him and started kissing him again but he pushed himself away from her again. 'Your drunk.. I am not taking advantage of you when you are in this state.. besides think of Jyrki.. do you really want to do this to him?' Tuomas asked her and Dee let her hands drop of his back and looked at him stunned not believing he was turning her down now, but understood after a couple of minutes what he meant and that this was wrong. 'damn you fins! Alright alright I get it.. I can't do this I am sorry.' Dee said pushing him entirely of her and got up from the bed grabbing her clothes and tossed them on the chair next to her closet while opening her closet getting herself a top and shorts out to wear to sleep. 'So I'll go then now okay.. have fun tomorrow going to New York and please let me hear something if your going back to Finland or are in Finland okay?' Tuomas asked her already picking up his clothes and headed to the bedroom door. Dee stopped by throwing shorts over to him and then walked over to him and took his clothes from his hands and dropped them on the same chair as hers. 'No your not going.. your staying I need some sanity in this room.' She said to him and walked towards the bathroom. When she got back he was still standing on the same spot waiting for her but had already put the shorts on. 'Coming?' Dee asked him and walked towards her bed and got in opening the covers for him. 'excuse me? You want me to sleep in the same bed as you?' he asked her and Deer rolled her eyes and got up from the bed again. Grabbed him by the hand and pulled him towards the bed. 'In!' she pointed and chuckled he obeyed and got in the bed laughing himself a bit. 'Good now.. goodnight and see you in the morning my sweet.' She said to him and got in the bed herself and threw the covers over them. He moved a little over to her to whisper goodnight to her, she smiled and took his arm and pulled it over her stomach so that he was closer to her and fell asleep.

Back in Finland everyone got a lecture from Jyrki about Dee's behaviour. Including Jo who sat there grinning after a while and rolled her eyes at him and just turned back to her phone instead. 'What?? What are you grinning about this isn't funny you know!!' Jyrki yelled and Jo burst out into laughter while shaking her head at him. 'Don't you get it?? She is coming back you idiot.. she just needs time and I know Dee.... She is just the punk that goes against everything that is against her now.. she will be back mark my words she cares to much about you.. did she say she was going over to New York?' Jo asked him while checking her phone again. 'Yes she is at least that's what she said.. how do you mean punk?' Jyrki asked her now calming down. 'Ohh lets say Dee is just a little bit out of control sometimes while not giving a shit about everything else... remember she is punk rock to the bone she loves going against rules and everything when she is in a situation like this remember what she did with Jay? She just left for another country and well the rest you know.' Jo said to him now knowing where Dee was going to. 'Aha!! Now I get it!! Damn not fair!' Jo said chuckling. 'What's not fair?' Jussi asked her giving her a kiss on the cheek, Jo smiled at him and showed him her phone. 'That little nidiot is going over to See My Chemical Romance in New York and New Jersey! Damn wish I could go but hey one of her fave bands so. We met them once I believe 2 years ago when they weren't that big yet.' Jo answered Jussi being half in her own thoughts thinking back to that ridiculously weird evening. 'Ohh I didn't know she loved that band.. they are good in way they have a lot of misfits influences and so.' Jussi answered her and Jo almost fell of her chair from laughter. 'Dude seriously?? Did you never watched her clothes and bags and all?? She has a lot of MCR shit it's almost insane.' Jo  chuckled and gave him a kiss still chuckling. 'So as you know her the best.. what shall I do now? I mean stay here and wait for her or go to New York and get her back?' Jyrki asked Jo. 'Hmm if I know Dee and the rebel she is being now... I would say wait for her.. if you interrupt her now she will go even madder that she already is.' Jo answered him and he sighed. 'Okay.. I will do that then just wished she had her phone with her you know... must be my age but I am worried! It's insane!.' Jyrki said and threw his drink back.

Dee had woken up and found Tuomas still asleep next to her she looked at the clock that said 1 and got up, she shook Tuomas and he woke up. 'Tuomas.. you have to get up your leaving in 2 hours to the next city and I am leaving In a few hours myself to New York with Donny and his mates so get up!!' Dee laughed when he pulled the covers over his head again not wanting to get up. 'Duuuudeee!!! Get up!! I'm serious stop being a kid your 28 for gods sake!' Dee said now trying to pull the covers of him and he let go of them and grabbed her around the waist pulling her in the bed again. He locked his arms around her and kissed her cheek. 'Almost 28 honey not quit yet you know.. besides I don't need that much time to get ready and back to the hotel.' He said to her and Dee started laughing trying to get lose from his grip, which finally worked out after 10 minutes of half wrestling him she stood next to the bed again giggling. 'I love you I do but god.. you have to let me win sometime.. you Fins are mean!' Dee said walking towards her closet to get her suitcase out and going through her clothing racks dropping clothes in there she wanted to take with her to New York. 'You want me to help you with that?' he asked her while moving over to her suitcase already grabbing some clothes folding them more properly and putting them in the suitcase. 'I want you to get yourself ready.. so go take a shower and whatever.. William will lend you some clothes.. dude that's my underwear your holding!' Dee laughed and snatched it out of his hands. 'I know.. looks nice as I say so.' He winked and got up and walked out the room towards William's. Dee got done after a half an hour packing her suitcase which contained more than she actually needed and she packed a second one which was fully unnecessary but as she didn't know she was going back to Finland she just packed it. She put them both outside near the front door and walked back to her room to get her own clothes and go for a shower. Tuomas then walked back into her room fully dressed and his hair still wet from the shower. 'All done!! Happy now?' He said to her and she smiled. 'Yes perfect.. now if you don't mind I have to get myself ready just got 2 hours left before Donny's here so.' She answered him and walked past him into the living room and when she passed her brother he gave her a look. 'Dude I didn't okay.. I was to drunk.. you know me!' Dee yelled at him when she closed the bathroom door, he just chuckled and continued watching television now joined by Tuomas. 'So did you guys have?' William asked him and Tuomas turned half red. 'Ohh god .. uhh no we didn't we both wanted to but both stopped after we realised we really didn't want to and besides I wouldn't take advantage of her when she is in the state she was last night.' Tuomas said to William and he grinned. 'I know you wouldn't.. so I guess you 2 are friends now and nothing more?' William asked him again and Tuomas smiled and nodded yes. Dee got done showering and had something to eat. After eating some breakfast which you could better call lunch by the time of it she had to say bye again to Tuomas and was now standing outside the door with him giving him a hug. 'Thank you for not taking advantage of me and thank you for talking everything through and for staying last night.. means a lot to me.' Dee said to him and he smiled looking at her while stroking some strands of hair out of her face. 'Your welcome.. and yes I would never do that.. so.. uh.. I think its better if we stay friends.. you know.. you belong to him.' Tuomas said to her and she smiled. 'The best of friends!' she answered him and stood on her toes again to give him a last kiss on the lips. 'Best of friends indeed.. Bye charming lady and promise me you give him another chance.' He said to her while already walking down the hall towards the elevator.  'I promise.. and you keep in your head that you to are my Rakkauteni!! Love you my sweet!' She said to him before waving and getting back into the apartment. He smiled and the elevator closed and he was back on his way to his band to tell them everything that happened and continue their tour. Dee was picked up by Donny and 2 of his friends and said goodbye to her brother and they took of towards the airport to get the next flight to New York.

'New York Fucking City!!' Dee yelled when they got into the hotel room they had. The 4 of them were in there but Dee didn't care she had to share the room with 3 other guys since they were all like brothers to her. 'Great isn't it?? I am so glad we are back here. Remember the last time?? With Jo.' Donny asked her and Dee laughed falling back on her bed still overly excited. 'Dude of course it was awesome. I bet she already figured out why we are here now I bet Jyrki told her everything I yelled at him.' Dee said laughing now thinking back to the argument she had with Jyrki and that it was completely stupid and pointless and that they both overreacted. 'Yeah.. also a MCR gig then but back when they weren't famous yet.. I wonder if they still know us.' Donny said teasingly which was unnecessary since he kept in touch with Mikey ever since and they had become good friends. 'Dude now your just being a idiot they do know you.. you have been here a couple times afterwards  me I have no idea if they still know me although they did take picture's of us back then... I know it's going to be awesome!' Dee said still over excited. 'Ohh yeah it will I remember you being a complete badass with Frank... you guys were nuts with the.. what was it cupcake fight?' Donny said to her and Dee had burst out in laughter again remembering it all to well that she and Frankie had ambushed Ray and Gerard with cupcakes. They slept for the rest of the day since they hadn't on the flight and the gig wasn't until 8 tonight. What Dee didn't know that Donny arranged a little get together with MCR before the gig and that they had backstage passes. When they all woke up again at 5 in the afternoon they all started to get ready. It wasn't until 6:30 that Donny revealed the backstage passes to Dee and had her completely screaming and jumping up in down in front of him. 'Ohh my fucking god!! You didn't.. aww Donny this is awesome thank you!!!' she said to him giving him a kiss on his cheek while hugging him. They moved down from their hotel towards the venue which wasn't far from the hotel just 3 blocks they had to walk. In front of the venue was madness kids screaming their lungs out to see MCR and all wearing MCR gear some bought and other handmade. Dee shot pictures of a lot of them and with some together since she loved the way they looked. Donny showed security their passes and he let them in and guided them towards the dressing room. 'Dude.. I am nervous and I have no idea why I hope they don't think I am a alien.' Dee joked towards Donny and he laughed while knocking on the door waiting for someone to open it. The door opened and Mikey stood on the other side and greeted Donny with a hug. 'Hey dude!! You guys made it so good to see you how are you?' Mikey asked Donny and gestured everyone to get in Dee just followed and so did Zack and Chris, Donny's friends. Dee stood in the room looking around it seeing Frank, Gerard , Ray and their new drummer Bob. 'Hey guys .. yeah I'm good so good to be back here.. been a while you know.' Donny said to Mikey and he smiled and offered them to sit down. 'Holy shit!! Are you Dee??' Gerard then asked Dee when she sat down and had putted her hair a little more out of her face. 'Yup.. the one and only.. funny that you still now me.' Dee said laughing while putting her bag down. 'Off course we know you!! Get up!!' Gerard said to her and Dee got up and he hugged her not long after everyone did and Frankie nearly jumped her to the ground. 'Yeah!! Cupcake buddy!! Good to see you we missed you!! We always thought you would come see us together with Donny but the last time he was here he told us you were in Finland and was dating a dude there.' Frankie said to her now sitting down next to her. 'Yup.. I am dating Jyrki from the 69 eyes don't know if you guys ever heard of them.. and well we are going through a rough patch now.. and well I am not sure yet if I am going back to Finland of not.' Dee said to Frankie and he smiled. 'You will... of what Donny had told us about you.. I think you will.' Frankie said to her and she smiled and he hugged her. The show started and was beyond awesome the 4 of them went completely insane since they stood front line right in front of the guys banging their heads and Donny , Chris and Zack getting involved into mosh pits. Dee just laughing her head of at them and was constantly rocking out with Gerard and Frankie whenever their attention was on her or near her. 'Up you go shorty!!' Donny had said in the middle of the gig lifting Dee up and letting her crowd surf. The show ended and they got backstage again into the dressing room. 'Great show guys!!' Dee said to them once in the room. They got themselves ready and went out to party and eat after. Once back at the hotel they got their bags since the band offered them a ride to New Jersey and a place to crash. So they checked out of the hotel again and hopped into the tour bus waiting out side of the hotel and partied on in the bus on their way to New Jersey.

Jo had woken up from a text Dee had send over to her with Donny's phone. 'Hey Jo.. I guess you know I am in Jersey right now partying my head of.. Jersey dude!!! Anyhow I wanted to let you know I am okay and stuff and are laughing my ass of with Frankie and the new drummer Bob he is awesome.. well honey later!! P.S I have no idea if I am coming back yet still thinking about it so. Xoxo Dee.' Jo read the text and half flipped. 'Holy fucking damn shit!' she said out loud and woke up Jussi. 'Babe.. are you alright? Go back to sleep it's 4 in the morning.' He said to her still half asleep wrapping a arm around her. 'Jussi.. De just texted me! She doesn't know if she wants to come back.' She said to him and his eyes shot wide open and he read the message. 'Do you think we have to show it to Jyrki? I mean I bet he wants to know you know.' Jussi said now yawning again putting his head back on one of the pillows. 'Goddamn it! That's what I think about it.. yeah I guess we have to let him know and all.. fuck!!' Jo said again while putting down her phone and giving in to Jussi's  attempts to get her back to sleep again. Back in New Jersey the 2^nd gig was over and Dee was now at the airport with everyone saying goodbye to everyone after a good talk with Donny and MCR she decided to go back to Finland to Jyrki she just loved him to damn much. 'Thanks again you guys I loved these 2 days they were awesome and I am so sorry for dragging you guys all to the airport at 3 in the morning.. but as we checked it was the first flight over there so.. aww I will miss you my cupcake buddy!' Dee said to Frankie while giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek she always liked Frankie the most of the band even though they all shared the same insanity. 'Aww miss you to babe!! Go get your guy and be sure to introduce us to him in the future and you have to come see us more often! Give Jo her gifts okay!' Frankie said to her and she chuckled. They made one last picture with all of them together on it all making a weird or funny face and Dee walked towards the gate of her flight waving goodbye to them all and yelling towards Donny to let William know she went back but would be back again soon. In the evening everyone got back together in the recording studio to jam and Jo joined them. 'Uhh Jyrki I have to show you something.. it's from Dee she texted it to me.' Jo said to him and showed him the text. Jyrki read it and had to sit down since he couldn't believe his eyes reading the message. 'Do you think she isn't coming back anymore?' he asked Jo all of a sudden really calm. 'I don't know.. I can't really tell what she is thinking now.' Jo answered him and he sighed again and got up to jam again. Few hours later they got hungry and Jo offered to get them something to eat and was joined by Bazie. They walked around the corner to the take-off there and walked in. they had to wait for 30 minutes until the food was ready and sat themselves at the window seats to look at the people outside the street. The bell ranged and their number was called and they got the food and walked out again. 'So do you think she won't come back?? I sorry I overheard you and Jyrki.' Bazie said to Jo and Jo smiled a kind smile. 'Hmm I don't know.. we have to wait and see you know.. I just hope she comes back.' Jo answered him and looked into the bags to check if they had everything. They could hear heels clicking behind them and were closing in on them but they didn't pay attention to it, it wasn't until a woman's voice asked them what they were going to eat that they turned around to see who it was. 'So.. what are you having to eat.. smells wonderful if I say so myself.' Dee said to Jo and Bazie while walking behind them. They turned around on the spot and both their mouths dropped and Jo almost dropped the bags, seeing Dee standing their long black coat on while wearing a black blouse with vampire collar hot pants tights and her knee boots. 'Holy shit!! Dee your back!! What the hell you scared me there I thought you weren't coming back!!' Jo said out loud now putting the bags on the ground to go over to her friend that stood opposite from her smiling and give her a hug. 'Thank Frankie.. he was the one convincing me to come back and besides I missed you guys... hey B!' Dee said while letting go of Jo to give Bazie a hug. 'Aww nice t have you back since you have to fix our head vampire.. since he is losing his head.' Bazie said to her and Dee grinned. 'I know.. that's why I am here.. so you guys need help with that.. ohh smells good is that pizza??' Dee asked and grinned taking over the pizza boxes Bazie was holding and walked with them over to the studio. Bazie took the boxes over again knowing would need her hands and arms to be free. He walked in first followed by Jo and some seconds later By Dee. Jyrki and Jussi were still jamming together with Archzie and Timo when they walked in first not even noticing Dee partially because she walked in later after Jo. 'Guys you never guess what we found.'  Bazie said and Jo smiled looking at Jussi. 'What did you find? A bag of money?' Timo said jokingly opening one of the pizza boxes everyone was already half into the food since they were all hungry. 'Well I think I am a little better than a bag of money to be honest.' Dee said to Timo and everyone looked up not believing their ears except for Jo and Bazie. Dee still stood at the door not able to move and if she had to move she would be out the door again. Jyrki got up from his seat immediately and walked over to her stopping a few steps away from her. 'Dee.. you came back.. I thought you wouldn't come back.' Jyrki said to her and Dee looked up to him and smiled a little. 'if you don't mind and I really hope you don't I prefer you calling me rakkauteni.. and maybe consider of well giving me another chance... I really hope you can forgive me I am so sorry of what I have done to you.' Dee said to him and let her eyes wander back to the floor while nervously fumbling with her hands behind her back waiting for his response. Everyone else in the room was completely silent looking at the scene between them. Jyrki didn't think twice and moved over to her and wrapped his arms around her almost crushing her against his chest. 'I forgive you for everything!! I don't ever want to lose you again rakkauteni never! I love you!' he said to her and Dee snapped out of it throwing her arms around him hugging him back tightly, he loosened his grip a little on her and slipped his right hand under her chin to lift her face up so that he could look into her eyes. 'I love you..' he said to her and Dee smiled back to him. 'I love you to more than anything in this world.' She said to him and he kissed her. 'promise me to never leave like that again!! You nearly given me a heart attack!' he said to her while handing her phone back when they had sat back down with the other to eat, Dee was getting hugged by everyone but mostly by Jussi and Timo since they where extremely happy she was back. 'Guys I need to breath!!.. Guys please!!' Dee laughed while half suffocating. 'Sorry Dee.. we missed you! Good to have you back!' Timo said to her and they all laughed since Dee got up and sat next to Archzie who grinned. 'The only safe place around here is next to Archzie since he isn't the one trying to kill me with hugs!' Dee said to them half hiding behind Archzie. 'Are you sure about that?? I mean if you want me to I can hug you to death to.. there is only one of us who can kill you now by hugging and that is Jyrki.' Archzie said laughing pointing over to Jyrki who wasn't able to keep his eyes of Dee thinking to himself he could lose her again. 'Hmm your probably right there.' Dee said getting up again sitting back next to Jyrki who was looking at her again with that same look of not wanting to let her go. 'Rakkauteni?' he sad to her. 'Yes? What's up?' Dee said to him looking at him while taking a bit from her pizza slice. 'Will you marry me?' he asked her and Dee half chocked in her pizza so did everyone else. 'Your asking me to??' Dee said t him with huge eyes and he smiled. 'Yes I am asking you to marry me.' He said still looking at her. Dee looked back at him for a long while asking herself a lot of questions in her head such as , am I ready to get married? Do I want to get married to Jyrki? Do I love him enough for it?. After a very long pause of silence Dee had reconsidered all the thoughts In her head and had only one answer ready. 'Yes I will marry you.' She answered him.